the half story of glass and june.

A couple of years back, as the smashing pumpkins were disbanding, billy held an essay contest to anyone who could decipher the concept behind their at the time new album "Machina: the machines of god". They had some good prizes from tickets to their final show, a bass guitar that was used on SD, a fender electric 12-string, and the such... i was just hoping that i could get it done, more than anything else... (in fact, i got runner up and had my essay posted on the official site and an 8 x 10 piece of machina artwork signed by billy, to alex)

Anyways, i have since lost that essay, but have been in a half-assed search for finding it somewhere lost in the eclectic void of webpages and nonsense... I know it must be out there somewhere... but just where... In my half-assed attempt, i was able to locate part of it... thanks to spfc.org, i have been able to find part of it (not quite half, so in essence, my half-assed search, is more like a half-assed attempt at a half-assed search, which in turn, would be a 1/4-assed search...)...

So for your reading pleasure, here is what i have recovered... hopefully, i'll be able to find any of the missing chards that may be out there, and eventually get my whole thing back...

Cobains@aol.com
Here is my take on the concept of Machina: The main concept behind Machina is simply the theory of love. The superficial idea that can be seen in Machina is the end of Glass (Billy) and the Machines (The rest of the Pumpkins) in the music scene. In songs like "I of the Mourning" and "This Time" it can clearly be seen that the band is saying goodbye for one last time to everyone who cared to listen. However, as I said before, this is only the superficial concept that can be easily seen. Once we delve deeper in between the lines we can see that it is more of a love concept in a long complex story.

From all the information given to us from the album, the written excerpts, as well as the art we can figure out who the main characters are. We have Zero (the hero), June, Glass, the Machines, and the Ghost Childeren.

From the excerpts written by Billy we can figure out that the Ghost Childeren are the fans. The ones that listen and breathe the music that is echoed by the Pumpkins. Glass is a man who is in love with a girl named June. In this case we can say that Glass is Billy himself and June (Yelena) is his lover. However, this idea is not restricted to Glass being Billy, he could be anyone who has ever tasted a strong love for any girl named June.

The Machines are the rest of the band that Glass leads to soothe the souls of the lost childeren. The last character, Zero (the hero) is more complex than the others. Zero (the hero) is a past reflection of Glass himself, or Billy. This is Billy from before he met his love June, or before Billy had been in love. Zero (the hero) is how Billy was, from the beginning to Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness era. He played with his Machines and rocked out shows, to help move the music generation that was the early 90's. This is what made him a hero, but as time went on Zero (the hero) changed, as well as did music. Soon Zero had undergone a metamorphisis and became what we now know as Glass. The catalyst in this change was a newfound love for June. Glass now knew he no-longer needed to be the hero and lead the Ghost Childeren along, but rather he needed to be a new hero to June. This starts the story that is then explained on the album Machina/the machines of god.

With the opening song "The Everlasting Gaze" his line, "You know I'm not dead" screams and echos out among all the Ghost Childeren and tells them that Zero (the hero) is not dead, but still alive and can be renewed in Glass. As the album moves on the story becomes more of a love story/message for/to June. The idea of love shows itself in songs like "Stand Inside Your Love", where Glass echos his heart out to June.

As the album progresses we can see that Glass and the Machines are done, and that Glass has now found a new rekindled feeling of love. He is now reborn and recast with a new focus to please and be with his lover June. As we put all the pieces of the puzzle together, from the album and the excerpts we can see that Glass ending a time of music in his life and starting a life of love with June by his side. The album Machina is more than a final goodbye to the fans but also a love song to June. Glass hangs up his guitar and picks up June. s

[missing from here...]

where boys fear to tread.

a couple weeks ago, janelle had her bridal shower where they played all sort of girlie games and did girlie things and such... there was this one game where she was asked all these questions about me (that i had given her sister the answers to earlier) to see how well she knew me... she did pretty well (since i'm not one of favorites... i mean what mere mortal can choose which is a better movie, Robocop or The Crow... that's like asking me which kid i like better)... anyways, one of the questions was "What does Alex fear?"... i figure i'd indulge myself and see what it is i fear...

The answer i gave janelle's sister was "water"... i don't mean like tap water, or toilet water... i mean, being in deep water (let it be in the middle of a lake, pool, or puddle)... if i'm in water that's higher than my shoulders (i'm about 6'1" fyi) i start to panic... i start essentially hyperventilating... even if i don't drown from the intake of water, i'll drown from the air...

I have to give a big ol' thanks to the Y for instilling this fear into me... it was all caused from my near-death (well, maybe not near-death, but it sounds better) swimming hour... i remember flailing about, kicking, and trying to scream for help, only to have my cries drowned out from the water in my mouth... Luckily, i was able to panic-paddle myself back towards the shallow end but that swimming lesson left me with what i have now...

Over the years probably until the 7th grade, i was afraid to go underwater whenever i went swimming... all my friends in PA had a pool which was always a blast, as long as i stayed above the water... i wore those water wings (mine were orange, and don't diss them till you've tried them... hell, i'd wear them now) for a good while, until i finally convinced myself i was tall enough to stand in the pool... I then had to fake a three year long case of "swimmer's ear" and ear-infections every summer... this would perturb anyone from making me go underwater... i think they all bought it for the first year or so, but after three years of this, i think they started calling shenanigans...

So do i go underwater now? Yes. How did i overcome it? a fuckin' girl asked me to try and so i did (without my hawwwt water wings too)... Will i ever do it again? Only if you're a girl.

the secret art of keeping to yourself

when i was just a wee little asian lad, i had this urge to always cry at everything... i don't know what it was (but i do attribute part of it to me being a pretty spoiled little kid, which in retrospect, i am grateful for), but there was a part of me that would just cry at the most trivial of things... i was easily pushed to the edge of just crying at anything and i remember hating it, because all my friends would tease me about it (which i can't blame them for)... i remember making excuses for why i would be getting teary eyed...

My most famous was the ever so often used, "there's something in my eye", but i also had "it's my allergies". But i knew i wasn't fooling anyone, not them, or myself, but somewhere in that facade of "yeah they believe me", there was a feeling of success, which is what kept me on the edge rather than collapsing into that ravine....

god, i remember crying at the most simplistic of things... Things that i would have no vindication for... Two of the moments that seem to stand out to me are one time when i was about 8 or 9, i had this sweet ass scooter that all my friends liked to play with... i remember we were going to head over to the gas station about a busy mile away from my house to get beef jerky and sunflower seeds... we were supposed to take turns with this scooter, but when it came to be my turn, they said that i could ride it anytime so i shouldn't get a chance to ride it until later... that broke me into tears... (maybe i got what i deserved for being a selfish brat, but i didn't want to hear that at the time)...

The other instance isn't as vivid, but all i remember from it is hanging out with my friends and playing with sticks (we were good at personifying trees as enemies and sticks as legendary swords to fend off these treants... we did this for hours a day), and just something stupid happened and i start to get teary eyed... then someone (i can't remember who) tells me to stop crying, in which i hold my defensive shield of something being in my eye... that's all i remember of it...

I continued to be like this up until about when i was 10 or 11... by this point, i started learning how to hold it in a little better... yet it wasn't totally stealthed (eyes watering, facial expressions, lips, totally gave it away), i was getting a little better handle of it... as the years progressed, i started crying in front of people less and less... i soon became damn good at holding it in, at recognizing that "wave" and how to dam it up, and keep it from flooding the hills...i eventually started replacing the tears with laughter...

Now, i've pretty much perfected this art, perfected the secrets held by many... Biting a small part of he inside of my lip, my tongue, the side of my cheek, and holding the composure in my face and body, i am pretty good at leading the average eye away from my tidal wave.... i even think to myself at times, what would make me cry now (i think a suckerpunch from a homophobe while i'm drunk would do it [more on this on another date]) and i don't know... i do still have those moments when just trivial things bring that feeling over me, but i bite my lip and ten seconds later, it passes... i know if i just let it out, i would cry, but i'd rather not... not if you're standing right there...

I suppose some of comes from the "boys don't cry" mentality, but the other half of it comes from being teased about it so much when i was a kid and how i couldn't stop myself from crying, that i want to prove it to myself i can do it now... When i cry, i am at my weakest moment... i am at that level of despair that i don't want anyone to see, because i feel so damn vulnerable... it's just one of those things i just can't be comfortable with having anyone around and seeing me... I've mastered the instant ability to go from tears, to being a defensively ok, the second someone walks into the same room as me... maybe one of these days i'll "grow up" and deal with it, rather than hiding it away in a box... but then again, maybe i won't, because that's just who i am, and i'm fine with it.

the arcade fire - funeral

It's been awhile... and that's only because i haven't been able to pull myself away from a couple of new cds i had picked up. The most notable has to be the arcade fire - funeral. They put on an uber-amazing set at lollapalooza and had the entire crowd begging for more. I went to get my more at the local Best Buy, hoping that their CD would capture even a fraction of that aura they had put on live. It delivered, and i swear, i haven't been able to stop listening to it. I listen to it on the way to work, at work, and on the way home from work. I can't get enuff of it. These guys/gals are just plain amazing.

I noticed that they did most of the recording in their apartment on a couple 8 tracks and i could only imagine how crazy that must of been (i swear, they play sooo many damn instruments on this thing...). It's impossible to name a song that would be a "single" (although i believe Neighbourhood # 2 (Laika) is officially their single, and yes... they are canadian..) from this album, because they all should be. They have a refreshing unique sound unlike anything else i have ever heard.

Their first EP has just been re-mastered and re-released. That one is equally as good, but you can see how they have grown into their newest album. The songwriting, instrumentation, arrangements.... it's just too damn good.

So other than that taking all my time away, i've begun playing Starcraft again (Angelz of Mercy!). I'm hoping to regain my chops, and become once again pseudo-korean good at that game (which is impossible, but i can damn well try). You can find me under the alias: rawkon. I am currently 13-3, which isn't too bad for having not played in like 2-3 years. I guess it's like riding a bike, you just don't forget. Either that, or because i'm asian (other perks include being automatically good at Street Fighter 2, and knowing old skewl kung-fu once i get old).

Well, nothing too deep tonight, cause i have to get back to playing starcraft. Oh, my dwarf is now level 51, with his bo-staff skill slowly rising. rawk!