the secret art of keeping to yourself

when i was just a wee little asian lad, i had this urge to always cry at everything... i don't know what it was (but i do attribute part of it to me being a pretty spoiled little kid, which in retrospect, i am grateful for), but there was a part of me that would just cry at the most trivial of things... i was easily pushed to the edge of just crying at anything and i remember hating it, because all my friends would tease me about it (which i can't blame them for)... i remember making excuses for why i would be getting teary eyed...

My most famous was the ever so often used, "there's something in my eye", but i also had "it's my allergies". But i knew i wasn't fooling anyone, not them, or myself, but somewhere in that facade of "yeah they believe me", there was a feeling of success, which is what kept me on the edge rather than collapsing into that ravine....

god, i remember crying at the most simplistic of things... Things that i would have no vindication for... Two of the moments that seem to stand out to me are one time when i was about 8 or 9, i had this sweet ass scooter that all my friends liked to play with... i remember we were going to head over to the gas station about a busy mile away from my house to get beef jerky and sunflower seeds... we were supposed to take turns with this scooter, but when it came to be my turn, they said that i could ride it anytime so i shouldn't get a chance to ride it until later... that broke me into tears... (maybe i got what i deserved for being a selfish brat, but i didn't want to hear that at the time)...

The other instance isn't as vivid, but all i remember from it is hanging out with my friends and playing with sticks (we were good at personifying trees as enemies and sticks as legendary swords to fend off these treants... we did this for hours a day), and just something stupid happened and i start to get teary eyed... then someone (i can't remember who) tells me to stop crying, in which i hold my defensive shield of something being in my eye... that's all i remember of it...

I continued to be like this up until about when i was 10 or 11... by this point, i started learning how to hold it in a little better... yet it wasn't totally stealthed (eyes watering, facial expressions, lips, totally gave it away), i was getting a little better handle of it... as the years progressed, i started crying in front of people less and less... i soon became damn good at holding it in, at recognizing that "wave" and how to dam it up, and keep it from flooding the hills...i eventually started replacing the tears with laughter...

Now, i've pretty much perfected this art, perfected the secrets held by many... Biting a small part of he inside of my lip, my tongue, the side of my cheek, and holding the composure in my face and body, i am pretty good at leading the average eye away from my tidal wave.... i even think to myself at times, what would make me cry now (i think a suckerpunch from a homophobe while i'm drunk would do it [more on this on another date]) and i don't know... i do still have those moments when just trivial things bring that feeling over me, but i bite my lip and ten seconds later, it passes... i know if i just let it out, i would cry, but i'd rather not... not if you're standing right there...

I suppose some of comes from the "boys don't cry" mentality, but the other half of it comes from being teased about it so much when i was a kid and how i couldn't stop myself from crying, that i want to prove it to myself i can do it now... When i cry, i am at my weakest moment... i am at that level of despair that i don't want anyone to see, because i feel so damn vulnerable... it's just one of those things i just can't be comfortable with having anyone around and seeing me... I've mastered the instant ability to go from tears, to being a defensively ok, the second someone walks into the same room as me... maybe one of these days i'll "grow up" and deal with it, rather than hiding it away in a box... but then again, maybe i won't, because that's just who i am, and i'm fine with it.