the band kept playing as the ship went down

Everything has been going pretty well lately... plans for the wedding are coming together, invitations are in the midst of being sent out (props to my sis for making them, they're gunna make everyone wanna "Drop it like it's hawwwwt"), i've hit level 46 with my dwarven priest in World of Warcraft (WoW), i haven't crapped myself lately (i'll give you a story about stools sometime in the future... it's a good one, i promise, in fact, I drop one "like it's hawwwt" in it), and i am loving my job. However, there is one thing that is i can see looming out in the distance, that the more i think about, the more i miss.

Our old band, the optionals. (yes, pardon the stupid "the" name. As shown in that Sum 41 video, the "the" thing was the "in" thing. That and god had beamed the name down to us from mars, where she spends her time helping people name bands).

I'm not quite sure as to what I miss about it, but i think it's a hodgepodge combination between playing, writing, and being with friends. It's one of those things that once you don't have, you realize that it became an important part in your life. You tell yourself that maybe it's still somewhere out there, floating around, waiting to be grasped and recaptured. But in reality, you know that it's impossible to those moments that you shared with those important people.
You can pretend that you are, but then you would know that you were lying to yourself and them.

It was always amazing how our songs were written. They would evolve from a miniscule idea that someone had, into a "rawk with your cawk out" song. I have to say, at first it was a little hard listening to other people's opinions about what to do with your song, but i suppose every songwriter has those reservations. However, once you let your walls down, all the little pieces come together and you're left with a masterpiece. It was always interesting because all of my bandmates came from such different musical styles and backgrounds, that you would think that the 'mere process of creating music together would spawn anti-matter as a byproduct, but it worked. Worked damn well. So damn well that now i'm at the point where i miss strumming that D power chord to whatever song we were playing (even when D wasn't in the song).

I've thought about trying to start another band, but i don't know if my heart is in it anymore. As unfair as it may be, i think i'll always compare my new band with my old band and try to recreate those moments. I've also thought about trying to just write some solo songs, but i'm a pretty shy person, and i would get caught in the contradictory feedback loop of "i don't want anyone hearing these songs.." - "why am i writing these songs?" - "i want to write and record" - "i want to play live again".

I'll be posting links to the songs we had recorded a year back soon here and maybe even some of the songs i've been working on, but for now, i'll continue trying to reach for something that i know isn't there.