and then you die.

I've been toying with the idea of changing the style of my blog... the style that i currently have is even too much black for me... if i weren't so lazy (or better yet, consumed with playing World of Warcraft [WoW]) i would probably design my own, but for now i'll probably just settle for a template they have (btw, my dwarf is level 49 now with a daily increasing bo-staff skill)...

I've had this strange premonition since about the end of high school that i'm going to die somewhat young (40s? 50s?) and it'll be in a car accident. I've tried to not think about it, 'cause the last thing i want it to be is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies, but it's just one of those "strong" feelings (which i hope is bullshit.). I find it kind of ironic that i am saving money for retirement so i am able to live quite well and travel the world when i am old, but at the same time, i feel like i'm not going to make it that long.

I come to find out (after talking with janelle) that i'm not the only one who thinks this. She's known people who said the same thing and i wonder how many people have this same feeling? Does it feel as "real" to them as it does to me? Why is it worth saving this money for the future, or should we just be spending it now?

Wouldn't that be the biggest kick in the pants... you manage to save up a million or so dollars, and you die before you can even spend a penny of it. Think about what you could of done with that money if you just decided not to save it for retirement and spend it as you earned it. I think i smell betty crocker's good ol' dick pie a-baking again.

Anyways, this feeling sunk in a little more a couple of days ago. I had to take a brief detour on my way to work in the morning (brief being an extra 30 min.) because they had blocked off the familiar road i've traveled with two police cars... i had to turn around an find myself a new less traveled unfamiliar route to get to work.

At the time, the only thing i could think was, "man, that kinda sucks, i wonder what happened? oh well, i need to get to work." I'm sure my feeling was shared by the hundred others forced to turn around and have their trip lengthened by 30 min, as well as those feelings of angry, "what the fuck. i need to get to work, why the hell is this closed?".

Then yesterday, as i drove home, i happened to notice that on the corner of the once blocked road, there was a memorial erected by flowers, candles, and pieces of paper that i could only assume were "i love you" and "we'll miss you" notes and pictures. Unknown to the hundreds of people who were turned around that day, there was one or more who would never be turned around again. Someone's who familiar road would never be traveled again.

I suddenly felt like a little bitch for even feeling the slightest bit of annoyance that day, for wanting my 30 min. i had to "waste" back. Even if all we could take all the extra time from those who had been turned around, it would never equal the amount that will never be spent in their lives. This road will become a path that some people will want to relinquish the pain of, but never forget. They will have to travel a new road and path now, without their familiar passenger (yeah, i'm all about over-used shitty cliches).

I just want to say to them, i'm sorry. For their loss, and for my selfishness, ignorance, and numbness. And as apathetic and selfish it may sound, it'll still be the same road for me, and i hope that never changes.