someday i'll follow you and see you on the other side

not many people know this, but i was to have an older brother that would of been 2 years older than i... much of what happened on that day is still surrounded in somewhat of a shroud that i don't know if my parents want me knowing the full details or not... i don't know if he was still-born or premature or what exactly happened... but what i do know is resurrected in childhood memories of when we would goto New Jersey (where my parents used to live before i was born) and visit his grave... i was pretty young the two or three times i've went, so the details are fuzzy and worn... plus i was young, innocent and naive to the edges of the world... (i still somewhat am, especially to death... have only been to 1 funeral ever, ?lucky?) Billy Yue (i think that's what they were going to name him and what his gravestone says...) he would of been 26 or 27 and a middle child...

i sometimes daze away in bubblegum dreams thinking about what it would of been like to have a brother... would he of been the same as me? would we of liked the same things? would we of gone through the same school and listened to and played the same music and games? would he of played guitar? if he did would i of played drums? the scenarios and questions just are never-ending... i wish i knew the answers to those... i wish i could turn around and ask him, "hey, let's play warcraft 3" and have him reply to me, "no. fuck you."... anything... just anything would be ok....

it gives me a whole new perspective on my life and just how lucky i am to have it and be able to share the moments and conversations with my wife, my parents, my sister, my friends, my animals (yes even them!)... i couldn't imagine what it must of felt like to have to go through the pain of what my parents went through... i won't even try, because it would be unfair to even try to sympathize on something i have no concept of fathoming... to create a world and see it come crashing down would be too much... but as the cliche goes, be strong...

there's a lot surrounding him that i want to know about, but am just too afraid to ask... i want to know where in NJ he's at so i can visit him and 'honor' him.... when his birthday is and if he's watching over us knowing he would of been loved and a Yue....

in the meantime, i'll save the stories, i'll save the memories, i'll save the pennies, i'll save the days and the nights, i'll save the songs, the music, and the games, and someday, i'll follow you and see you on the other side and i'll share them all with you.